Losing a Loved One to Porn (and What You Can Do About It)

It is perhaps unsurprising that the porn-related question we most often hear in our therapy practices relates to the amount of porn people use. Much of the time this question is posed by wives worried about their husband’s online endeavors. In short, these women want to know: How much porn is too much? And when does it cross the line from use to addiction?

It’s no secret that the Internet is bursting at the seams with porn. Sure, we also go online for information, interpersonal communication, dinner reservations, music, shopping, and much more. But porn is without doubt a primary online activity. In fact, search engine data neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam analyzed 400 million worldwide searches representing more than two million Internet users and found that 13% of all searches were porn-related. So yes, lots of folks are looking at pornography.

Given the above, it is perhaps unsurprising that the porn-related question we most often hear in our therapy practices relates to the amount of porn people use. Much of the time this question is posed by wives worried about their husband’s online endeavors. In short, these women want to know: How much porn is too much? And when does it cross the line from use to addiction?

This, of course, is a bit like asking how much alcohol makes a person alcoholic—there just isn’t a set answer. In other words, addictions (to both substances and behaviors) are not about the amount of something; rather, they’re about obsession, loss of control, and directly related life problems. People qualify as addicted if:

  • They’re inordinately preoccupied with a potentially addictive substance or behavior (thinking about it, pursuing it, etc.);
  • They’ve lost control over use (using even when they don’t want to, not being able to stop once they’ve started, etc.);
  • Their lives are falling apart as a result (relationship issues, trouble at work, financial problems, legal woes, depression, anxiety, lowered self-esteem, social/emotional isolation, etc.).

Those are the benchmarks therapists use to diagnose porn addiction—and every other kind of addiction. So the amount of porn a person is looking at is not a defining factor. Nonetheless, research does suggest that porn addicts—those individuals who meet the criteria above—typically spend at least 11 hours per week searching for and looking at porn (with or without masturbation). And it’s not uncommon for use to escalate well beyond that level—reaching 20, 30, or more hours per week.

Signs and Symptoms of Porn Addiction

There are numerous other signs and symptoms, beyond the conditions above, that often indicate compulsive porn use:

  • Escalation—increasing amounts of time that a person spends on porn, and/or an increased intensity of the material they view (moving from vanilla porn to hardcore, fetish, or violent porn).
  • Withdrawal—becoming restless, irritable, and discontent when porn is not available.
  • Dishonesty—lying and keeping secrets about porn use (amount of time, content they view, etc.).
  • Disconnection—loss of interest in family, friends, work, and previously enjoyable activities.
  • Sexual Dysfunction—loss of interest in real-world partner sex and/or problems with delayed ejaculation (DE), erectile dysfunction (ED), and/or anorgasmia (inability to reach orgasm).

Over time, many porn addicts will link their porn use to other forms of compulsive sexuality—sexting, webcam masturbation, anonymous and/or casual hookups, serial affairs, prostitution, sex clubs, strip clubs, voyeurism, exhibitionism, online sex games, etc. This is the equivalent of substance abusers escalating in their addiction, ingesting any mind-altering substance they get their hands on. Still, many porn addicts are strictly porn addicts, just as many alcoholics are strictly alcoholics.

Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction

As you may have noticed, we list sexual dysfunction as a common sign/symptom of porn addiction—and with good reason. One relatively large-scale survey of sex addicts found that more than a quarter (26.7%) experienced ED, DE, or anorgasmia. Smaller studies suggest that sexual dysfunction is a common sex addiction side effect—17% of sex addicts reported problems in one study, 58% in another.

Unsurprisingly, the primary sexual dysfunction issue is ED—even among younger porn addicts in their teens and twenties. Much of the time these men report that they have no trouble achieving and maintaining an erection when looking at porn, but they struggle with real-world partners. Compulsive porn use seems to create a psychological disconnection that manifests physically in some men as ED. After all, when a guy spends the vast majority of his sexual life engaging with endless amounts of constantly changing, hyper-stimulating online imagery, a single in-the-flesh partner can’t exactly compete—even if the porn addict truly loves that partner.

This, of course, is one of the true paradoxes of sexual addiction: Sex addicts, especially porn addicts, often struggle to perform sexually with their real-life partners. And this is not because they’re not interested in great sex, or they don’t want to be with their partner. It seems that their sexual response has become conditioned to function only in the context of stereotypical porn images. So they struggle to get hard, stay hard, and reach orgasm with actual people. Sometimes they can only manage to perform face-to-face when they replay in their minds the videos and images they’ve seen online. Over time, they often come to desire porn sex more than partner sex.

This becomes a huge issue for the partners of porn addicts. When a man turns to porn and then cannot perform sexually with his partner, this undermines not just his own sexual pleasure but also his partner’s. More important, it undermines the very security of the bond between partners. After all, sex is also a bonding behavior. Worse, partners may take this on themselves, resulting in significant sexual self-image problems.

If you believe you are losing your partner to porn, what can you do about it?

1. Ask your partner if he thinks that the time he spends looking at porn is getting to be a problem or interfering with his ability to really be with you in bed. If you can manage to do this with curiosity and concern, it usually works better than accusing or blaming. It may be that your partner can soothe your fears. For many, occasional porn use does not become in any way addictive, and there may be other things going on, such as unresolved conflicts in your relationship, that reduce a partner’s sex drive or cause him to withdraw physically for a while.

2. Step aside from the shame and fear that arises when you feel less than desired by your loved one. Try to keep in mind that someone can become caught in a less than functional habit for many reasons and in many ways. Gerry helps his wife Anna by telling her, “Look, I started watching porn as an escape from bad feelings way before I met you. It kind of stopped when I met you, but then we were getting into fights and going to porn just made me feel better—less stressed out. This isn’t about you. It’s just the way I learned to cope.”

3. Seek help from a couples therapist who can help you and your partner talk about this calmly and cooperatively. Partners’ perspectives often differ wildly. John says, “You are overreacting. All I am doing is typing and watching people have sex.” Mary counters, “But you don’t have sex with me anymore and your head is full of your onscreen girls. I feel betrayed. It’s like you are having an affair.” The couple’s therapist can help the porn-watching partner decide for himself if his habit is a problem, and also help the anxious partner talk about her fears and her perception of the porn issue. There are also educational resources that can help, such as the video, “Your Brain on Porn,” or the Wendy Maltz book, The Porn Trap. If it seems appropriate, the porn-watching partner can also seek out a sex addiction therapist for an evaluation. They can also join a peer group, such as SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) or SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) to get a perspective on how (un)healthy his or her relationship with porn is.

4. The therapist, who hopefully uses an approach outcome studies have shown to indeed help couples, can help improve your communication and emotional connection. The cycle of relationship distress—withdrawal from physical and emotional connection by one partner and anxious complaining and anger by the other—can then become contained. This distress can be either the result of, or the trigger for, a growing addiction to porn. Tim tells Lucy, “After we had the twins, I just felt left out—like I didn’t matter to you. And when I looked at porn, I felt male and strong and calm. I didn’t feel so bad that there was this big space between us.” Lucy responds, “Well, I need you Tim. I want you to come back to me, not go to those girls on the screen. I want you to come to me for comfort and for sex. I never meant to turn away from you.” If you and your partner are really caught in a demon dialogue of criticism/accusation and evasion/withdrawal, then you are both isolated and stressed and really need to change this dance, which simply maintains relationship distress and any porn problem. It is easier for your partner to turn to a screen that is at the command of his fingertips than to deal with you, an enraged partner.

5. You can find a therapist for yourself. Bonding science tells us that feeling shut out and rejected by the person we depend on registers in our brains in much the same way as physical pain. Plus, that rejection is a danger cue that can send us into panic. A therapist can help with such feelings. If finding one is too hard, then finding other ways to de-stress and find comfort are crucial for you.

The best answer to an over-activated relationship with porn is a secure, engaged emotional and sexual relationship with a partner. We are getting better and better at helping people find this. (To read about how the new science of bonding can help, read my book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.)

Finally, it is perhaps worth noting that we do not use the word “addiction” in this article to in any way dismiss or judge the many forms of eroticism or the diverse ways that people explore their sexual desires. It is used to refer to a growing pragmatic, clinical reality, and to further the discussion about how to deal with it. For referrals to a certified sex or porn addiction therapist, visit http://www.sexhelp.com. For couples counseling information and referrals, visit http://www.iceeft.com.

Dr. Stefanie Carnes / http://www.iitap.com/about-us/dr-stefanie-carnes

Dr. Sue Johnson / http://www.drsuejohnson.com


Susan Johnson, Ed.D., is a best-selling author, clinical psychologist, distinguished research professor, dynamic speaker, and recognized innovator who has changed the field of couples therapy.

She is director of the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy and distinguished research professor at Alliant University in San Diego, California, as well as professor of clinical psychology at the University of Ottawa, Canada. She trains counselors in EFT worldwide and is recognized as one of the most prominent researchers and presenters in the couples therapy field.


Johnson


References

[i] Ogas, O. & Gaddam, S. (2012). A billion wicked thoughts: What the Internet tells us about sexual relationships, p 15. New York, NY: Plume.

[ii] Cooper, A. Putnam D.E., Planchon, A. & Boies, S.C. (1999). Online Sexual Compulsivity: Getting Tangled in the Net. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity 6(2):79–104.

[iii] Hall, P. (2012). Understanding and treating sex addiction: A comprehensive guide for people who struggle with sex addiction and those who want to help them. Routledge.

[iv] Raymond, N. C., Coleman, E., & Miner, M. H. (2003). Psychiatric comorbidity and compulsive/impulsive traits in compulsive sexual behavior. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 44(5), 370-380.

[v] Voon, V., Mole, T. B., Banca, P., Porter, L., Morris, L., Mitchell, S., … & Irvine, M. (2014). Neural correlates of sexual cue reactivity in individuals with and without compulsive sexual behaviours. PloS one, 9(7), e102419.

[vi] Rosenberg, K. P., Carnes, P., & O’Connor, S. (2014). Evaluation and treatment of sex addiction. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 40(2), 77-91.

Sexual Honesty: You Don’t Have to Fake It

What happens when you’ve been faking orgasm, and your sex life is not fulfilling? It is possible to turn a page and write a new script. Learn how from modern relationship expert Esther Perel, MA, LMFT.

From the desk of Esther Perel, MA, LMFT, and modern relationship expert.


“When we first started dating, we partied and drank a lot. And when I drink, I don’t orgasm, so I got into the habit of faking it. We got married and I stopped pretending, but I never told him. And now, he can’t understand why I don’t orgasm in five minutes any more. He married this hot, young thing who was crazy for sex but essentially, I lied. I want a fulfilling sex life with my husband. How do I turn things around? Do I tell the truth?”

— Sarah, 32

It’s old news that women lie about their pleasure (or lack-thereof). When sex was primarily a woman’s marital duty, and it was all for him, she often faked orgasm to get it over with. But what are we to make of the fact that so many women in our “liberated” Western society still feel compelled to play the same game? One would think that an increased level of sexual freedom is correlated to increased honesty. Not so. Now that her orgasm is an important affirmation of his sexual prowess, women have a new reason to keep pretending. Her pleasure is proof of his masculinity and how adept he is in bed.

I see ‘faking orgasm’ as part of longstanding gender dynamics, traditional power structures, poor sexual education, and persistent myths and stereotypes about sexual performance. Chief among them, that reaching the finish line signals the deed is done. Orgasm is not just that moment of climax; it’s a full body pleasure, not just one event. Nobody is served when partners lie about their needs, preferences, and dislikes. The result is a dissatisfying sexual experience for both.

What else is wrong with this charade? Clearly, she’s not fulfilled, and lying to protect his ego maintains the status quo. He has no way of knowing that she’s isn’t fulfilled and the conversation on how to please isn’t happening. She may think her lying shields him, but in effect he remains clueless and she, frustrated as the opportunity for him to do better is squandered. Sarah and Damian are stuck in a cycle of displeasure.

If this sounds familiar, here are a few ways you can enter into a mature era of sexual connection.

Establish the Conversation
Simply state that honesty is important to you, and that your partner’s pleasure truly matters. And ask the right questions. For example:

  • What do you like?
  • What do you not like?
  • Are there certain things that I do that you like more than others? And why?
  • Are there certain things you don’t enjoy doing to me?
  • Is there something we have not yet tried that you are interested in?

When Sarah is able to speak truthfully about her experience, she may not discover immediate orgasm, but she will feel liberated from the pretense, and from lying. She doesn’t have to keep it up anymore. That in itself makes her feel safer, more trusting and more open to exploring her sexuality.

Shift the focus: there is a whole person, not just genitals.
Practice giving and receiving touch in less obvious parts of the body. For example, caress the neck, arms, back of the knees or curve of the spine. The clitoris is just the tip of the volcano; women have a largely unknown network of structures responsible for arousal and orgasm. All the body parts you’ll never see focused on in porn. You can also play with energetic touch, by touching me without touching me. Let your hand just hover over the other’s body. Lastly, try having the slowest sex you’ve ever had. No matter how slow you think you are, you could probably still go slower. The point being, you are not aiming for any outcome, you are simply exploring each other’s bodies.Pleasure is the measuresays Emily Nagoski in the highly recommended book Come as You Are.

Give active feedback.
Tell him that you want to be able to take the time you need to become aroused or to climax without worrying that it’s taking too long or that he’s getting bored. Most men, once they know, and see the pleasure you experience, are more than motivated to do it again.

I can’t express to you enough how many women have told me that the “coming out” conversation about her lying is such a turning point in her relationship and in her sexual development. And if her partner is chronically defensive and responds with counter attack, i.e. what’s wrong with you, then perhaps a therapist may be helpful, or if not, it is a sign that her partner is not ready for a mature sexual intimacy. Sarah may need to seek new arms.

Have you ever had to start a tough conversation about sex with your partner? Share your thoughts on the best way to initiate those discussions in the comments.

Warmly,
Esther


Esther Perel is a master trainer and an acknowledged international authority on couples, culture, and sexuality. She’s the author of the international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.

 

ASK ESTHER: Stable ambiguity and the rise of ghosting, icing and simmering

“I’ve been dating a woman for three weeks, but after we had sex for the first time, she’s stopped texting me back. WTF?” – Edward, 36

Rejection has always been a part of the relationship landscape. But are the new trends of ghosting, icing and simmering increasing our acceptance of ambiguous ends?

From the desk of Esther Perel, MA, LMFT, and modern relationship expert.


“I’ve been dating a woman for three weeks, but after we had sex for the first time, she’s stopped texting me back. WTF?” – Edward, 36

Rejection has always been a part of the relationship landscape. But are the new trends of ghosting, icing and simmering increasing our acceptance of ambiguous ends?

Last month, I spoke about modern love at a conference with 2,500 millennials. There, I was introduced to these new norms of intimate relationships and the corresponding vocabulary (we made you a chart, with the help of my friend Adam Devine).

Screen Shot 2015-12-13 at 2.35.13 PM

These tactics of maintaining unclear relationships and prolonging break-ups all produce what I call stable ambiguity; too afraid to be alone, but unwilling to fully engage in intimacy building — a holding pattern that affirms the undefined nature of the relationship, which has a mix of comforting consistency AND the freedom of blurred lines.

We want to have our cake and eat it too. We want to have someone available to cozy-up with when it’s snowing, but if something better comes along, we want the freedom to explore.

In this relationship culture, expectations and trust are in constant question. The state of stable ambiguity inevitably creates an atmosphere where at least one person feels lingering uncertainty, and neither person feels truly appreciated or nurtured. We do this at the expense of our emotional health, and the emotional health of others.

It’s time to bring back relationship accountability.

In situations like Edward’s, the ghostee hopes the ghosted will just “get the hint,” as opposed to having to communicate that he/she is no longer interested. However, inaction has causality. At first, Edward runs the gamut of reasons he hasn’t heard back: She must have a really busy work week. She lost her phone. She doesn’t want to seem too eager. At first, relaxed and patient, Edward tries to be understanding, but his attempts at insight soon morph into uncertainty and self-doubt.Am I bad in bed? Did I say something to offend her? Am I unlovable? In the absence of information, he will fill the gaps, and what he imagines is most likely worse than reality.

Ghosting, icing, and simmering are manifestations of the decline of empathy in our society — the promoting of one’s selfishness, without regard for the consequences of others. There is a person on the other end of our text messages (or lack thereof), and the ability to communicate virtually doesn’t give us the right to treat others poorly.

I encourage you to end relationships respectfully and conclusively, however brief they may be. Act with kindness and integrity. This allows both people to enter into his/her next relationship with more experience and a clear head, rather than filled with disappointment and insecurity.

Ideas to incorporate into a final conversation:

  • Thank you for what I’ve experienced with you.
  • This is what I take with me, from you.
  • This is what I want you to take with you, from me.
  • This is what I wish for you, hence forward.

Of course, duos dancing in the stable ambiguity zone don’t always end in breakup. Sometimes this state is the training wheels period needed for one or both parties to realize he/she wants something more. This is normal for a brief, beginning phase, but not as the defining mode of a relationship.

Have you been ghosted? How did it feel? Do you wish you could redo a break-up? Leave your comments below: I would love for you to be part of this conversation.


Esther Perel is a master trainer and an acknowledged international authority on couples, culture, and sexuality. She’s the author of the international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.